Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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