so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
