Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
