I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
