I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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