Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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