Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
