You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
