Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
