The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
