Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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