Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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