Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
