Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
