I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
