I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
