Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
