I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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