Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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