come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
