census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
