Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
