every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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