I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If that was your dad, he is hot
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
