Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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