just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize