My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
