Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
