i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
