can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
