After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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