is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
