she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
