I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
