Moan for me like Helen Keller
im six kinds of drunk right now
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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