just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
40s are totally the cure
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
