So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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