rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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