Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize