What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
