never play flip cup with pint glasses
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i now understand why vodka
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
