hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
