I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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