i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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