Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
