i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
