ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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