Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
