Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
