I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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