I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize