remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
