My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
