we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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