we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
