Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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