The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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