my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
