I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
