At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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